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MoMster Truck Rally. March 10, 2009

Posted by Julie Momster in Uncategorized.
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As promised, a more detailed explanation of “Why I Am Not Trusted To Own Vehicles.”

I am a terrible owner-of-cars. My history with cars is so bad as to warrant an entire post dedicated to how I have destroyed them throughout the past 10 years. My goal is to someday have a car that has the fortitude to last me for 10 years. So far, we can’t even make it past 3.

—>Disclaimer: I am, however, a fairly good driver, if I do say so myself. The only tickets I have received in the 10 years I’ve been driving involve speeding. Like 92 MPH in a 70 MPH zone. Things like that.

Here goes!

  1. ’97 Chrysler Sebring Convertible
    My Daddy bought this car for me 2 months before my 16thbirthday. No lie. It was white with a white soft top, a Hula Girl on the dash, and Skin Cancer Steve on the antenna (SCSwas my little surfer dude who, through being constantly exposed to too much sunlight and not enough SPF, literally burned up and turned black on his face and shoulders – the memorial service was wrought with many a tear).
    THE DEMISE: Michigan winters are not pleasant. Lake Effect snow is nasty and wet, and has a tendency to freeze halfway through, creating layers of snow and ice. This weather is the bane of inexperienced drivers. That being said, I was driving out to pick up a friend of mine before school on said nasty roads when my car started to fishtail, and I mis-corrected it, sending myself flying into a 5-foot deep ditch, over an upraised driveway, whilst taking out 2 trash cans and a mailbox. The underside of my care was busted, and in the shop for 2 months. Then, 4 days after getting the car out of the shop, some blonde bimbo T-boned my passenger side while in the school parking lot. Got it fixed, then the back windshield broke. No idea how. Then my friend Evan, holding the door open to effectively see behind him as he reversed, effectively caught the driver’s side door on a giant snow bank, and bent it backwards. I still drove it for another year before ditching it for:
  2. ’98 Dodge Neon – “The Dirty Penguin”
    Little purple bastard of a car – and I have no idea how it got that name. I hated this car. I hate all Neons. Drove like poo-ey, and constantly gave me trouble. I hauled it around for a little under a year, until I decided to use it to move myself from Grand Rapids to my brother Tim’s place in Ferndale, MI. My now-mortal-frenemy Jess and I had made it almost the whole way to his place, when BOOM! Well, not boom.. More like “Oh, fuck! They’re all stopping.. Damn you, Detroit rush hour traffic! Wait, FUCK! NO BRAAAAAAAAAAKES!!!!”
    Yeah. It went down like that. Foot to the floor on the brake, E-brake yanked up to Heaven, and it felt similar to merely removing my foot off the gas pedal while going 75 MPH. Slammed so hard into the car in front of us that I could see my engine from my driver’s seat. Funny thing is, some r’tard was so busy looking at our wreck, that he caused a 4-car pile-up the next lane over. The police officers had to halt 4 lanes of 5’o’clock traffic in order for us to push the Penguin to the right hand side of the road.
    This leads us to my favorite vehicle to date…
  3. ’89 Dodge Raider – “The Banana Split”
    Aptly named due to it’s banana-yellow coloring, this little guy was pretty much THE Shit. It had dice for the lock-tops, a huge backseat – which, during the summer I had it, made a ridiculously comfortablebed – and was built like a screaming, solid-metal TANK. The only real problem I ever had with this car was when this weird solid metal panel became unhinged under the car and would drag on the road. Much spark-age ensued – even to the point where I got pulled over by a cop who told me to fix it, or he’d ticket me for endangerment to other drivers. It was an easy enough fix, using a bungee cord to strap it back up to the bumper if only because I didn’t have enough duct tape on hand to secure it otherwise. This car took me through one of the absolute BEST summers of my life – we went to shows, and then there was the blackout for 3 days, and myself, Meg, Effie, and Jess having a complete blast-y (before I went and got all stupid and drugged-up. That was the next summer.) It was the saddest day when Meg and I were cruising on I-70, and it died. Literally. The engine stopped running. We had to coast it off the highway into a convenience store parking lot. It was a dark, dark day.
  4. ’87 BMW 3-Series
    Yes, I have owned both a convertible and a Beemer. I really am just that cool. The Beem did manage to take me cross-country. Kind of. I was moving from my otherbrother’s place in Detroit out to Cheyenne, WY (I’m going to have to eventually get into all the many, many places I’ve lived.. someday) where I was going to work for my cousin Jessica at the hotel she managed. I got as far as Chicago when my clutch blew out. I have no idea how. I was cruising along, not even dealing with the crazy stop-and-go shizzthat usually accompanies driving through Chicago, and it just went “CRACK!” and was done. I ended up stuck in a random hotel somewhere in the outskirts of the city for 2 freakin’ days waiting for the parts to come in. Which was great as well, considering my only charger for my phone was a car adapter. In my car. In the shop. Wherever the **** that was.. However, they did fix it, and I eventually made it Wyoming. Where it died – in similar fashion to the ‘Split’s untimely demise.
  5. ’03 Saturn Ion III
    This has, to date, been my only “brand new” car. And, of course, no good can come of my owning such a nice thing. Before I had even made my first payment, I had it parked on the street in Denver, and SOMEHOW it managed to lose the driver’s side mirror in the night. Ripped clean off. I cannot have nice things. And then I decided, “well, fuck. I don’t want to pay $400 every month on this thing”. So I sold it to my Aunt Sue. And then my roommates managed to get us kicked out our house later that night. And I lost my job the next morning. Bad times.
  6. ’93 Ford Taurus
    Most Reliable Car EVER. This car took me through so many moves, it was ridiculous. From my dad’s in MI, to the panhandle of Florida (17 hour drive)- back to Detroit (19 hours) – down to St. Pete, FL (21 hours)- to my current city of Omaha (23 hours) – vacation back to St. Pete (another 23 hours) – and back home again (23 hours drives can suck a big ole’ fat one). The only problems I had was: 1 battery replacement, 1 transmission fluid line replacement. That’s it. Well, that’s it, until the end. Which was the need for a new oil pan, shocks and struts. And I was broke.
  7. ’94 Ford Escort
    The Green Machine. Mikey and I picked this little bastard up for about $700, and at least it ran for long enough to be worth it. But not much further. A fairly decent little car, but man, it let me down. It conked out on me right at the beginning of my pregnancy (you guessed it – the bastard flat-out stopped running), and with all that nonsense we still have yet to procure a new vehicle.

I’d just like to take a moment of silence here to remember all those we’ve lost…


Now if I can just convince Mikey to actually come WITH ME to get our taxes done for the year, then maybe – just maybe – we can add another car to the list.

One can only hope that luck will change..



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