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In Which Our Heroine Whines Like A Baby April 29, 2009

Posted by Julie Momster in Uncategorized.
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I’m exhausted.

Not just tired/sleepy exhausted. Worn out to my very bones, 2 seconds away from a full mental breakdown exhausted.

I love my daughter, more than my own life. And I think I’ve adapted fairly well to motherhood. She’s a wonderful baby, and I’ve been lucky that she has such a good temperament (for now, at least). But good Lord, it’s still so overwhelming. On a day-to-day basis, it’s just so much. Almost too much.

I spend an extra half hour every morning thanI did pre-baby, just preparing her gear for the day. Then it’s a 20-minute drive one-way to her babysitter’s house. So 40 minutes just prior to work. Add in taking my husband in to his job, and I spend about an hour driving around each morning.

Then I work. All day, all week. And I don’t have a physical job, but it’s still so draining to have to spend all day mindlessly staring at a computer screen, flitting around between programs, researching and solving other people’s problems. I get so frustrated, that lately I’ve had to take time several days a week to hide in the bathrooms and cry it all out. It’s never enough.

Next,  I add another 40 minutes driving when I think I’m done for the day. I am smart enough to take a break once I get to the sitter’s to chat. Because, luckily, I really get along with her, and spending a half hour over there at the end of the day helps me to unwind.

Onward to home, where my husband may or may not be located, depending on if he’s working on his music project with his band or not. If he’s home, he’s working for their behalf on the computer for the entire night and asking me why I’m not already cleaning. If he’s gone, he’s texting me, asking me what of our general affairs I am working on getting in order.

And myself? I am taking care of the baby, changing diapers, feeding. Cooking or arranging for dinner. Cleaning up, even if it’s not a full scrub down, I still pick up something or another around the apartment. Collect garbage, wash bottles, run the dishwasher (although I have been far too lax in that the past few days – read: allowing sink to overflow with nasty dishes), doing our budget, paying bills, etc. I do these things whether or not the husband is home.

And if I decide to take a break to read a book, or watch a movie with the baby in my arms, I get asked why I’m not [[insert random task here]]. I rarely get an opportunity to take a real shower, and when I did something for myself yesterday (highlighted my hair), I get bitched at because it took so long – because the baby started screaming mid way through pulling my exceedingly difficult hair through the highlighting cap, and WHY OH WHY GOD would the carrier and food and diaper change not work?!?! – while my husband continued his half sick day, sleeping in bed until after 8PM. But that’s okay, dear, I will still take care of EVERYTHING.

Then, when I want to go to bed, I get all snuggled down, baby is fed and clean and asleep, and I start to drift away to hopefully enjoy my whole 5 hours of sleep a night… Something else happens. Usually my husband getting mad at me for being to exhausted to fulfill the “duties” of a wife. Keeping in mind, there is never a hint or even a nudge in that direction. Just quiet, and then loud sighs, and then accusations of trying to ruin our marriage.

Every day. Rinse, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

And repeat.

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Comments»

1. -R- - April 30, 2009

We went through a long period where I felt like I was doing everything, and I felt like my husband wasn’t doing much of anything. We had to talk about it MANY times, but it has changed, and I feel so much better now. So I know how you feel, I think, and I hope you two can work something out.

troubleinstereo - April 30, 2009

I hope so. It’s just that lately whenever I try and explain to him any of these things, he turns it around into how I’m not supporting him in something or another. Which drives me crazy, because I DO care about him, and what he does musically and other wise, but I’m just so frustrated that it’s hard to show him. So I get in trouble for that, which compunds onto all this, and then I try and explain it to him.. and around we go again. I’m still trying to figure out a way to have him understand all this without an ensuing argument.


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